‘Tis the season for giving, and who deserves more goodwill thrown their way than our Bon Temps and Shreveport buddies over in Looziana? Here’s what we at TrueBlood-News.com and AlexSkarsgard.net are giving the True Blood characters this year…
Sookie Stackhouse: A free week’s worth of cleaning from Merry Maids. That house really needs to be thoroughly lysol’d, just sayin’.
Bill Compton: A shiny new Sub-Zero fridge stocked with Tru:Blood (plus Fresca, for guests) and a microwave. Bill’s gonna need to be drinking a lot more of that since his recent breakup with Ms. Stackhouse. Also, some knee pads for all the arse kissing he’s going to need to be doing to Sookie.
Sam Merlotte: Kennels out back for visiting kin who won’t go away. Also, another dog collar, ‘cause that was just hot!
Yvetta: A new sugar daddy who doesn’t bite OR call her a gold-digging whore.
Tara Mae Thornton: Paid in advance gas card for unlimited tanks of petrol so she can get as far away from Bon Temps as possible and never look back. (Of course this would require a spinoff show, a la “Private Practice.”)
Lettie Mae Thornton: Something old, something new, something borrowed & something blue: She’s gonna be a minister’s wife!
Alcide Herveaux: Free dry cleaning – must turn in entire wardrobe at once. Sorry, he’ll have to run around in the buff for a few days. Complaints can be emailed to AlexSkarsgard.Net… but really, who’ll complain? (PS: extra fee to dry cleaners to accidentaly on purpose lose clothes for extra week… send funds to our Paypal please.)
Also, a FURminator, so he can look his best for da bitches…
Andy Bellefleur: One of those “I know that PIG” t-shirts.
Queen Sophie Anne: Yahtzee Adventures for iPhone
Ginger: An aluminum foil hat to keep the supes from destroying what little sanity she has left.
King Russell Edgington: A sun lamp ’cause his crusty old arse won’t be heading outside anytime soon… (or will he?)
Arlene Fowler: Some headphones to put on her tummy to play soothing music and psychiatry tapes on how NOT to be a serial killer.
Lafayette Reynolds: A “Who Dat” fuzzy dice for his car and some leopard skin seat covers. A year’s supply of hanging pine-tree air freshener to hide the smell of the good stuff when he gets pulled over by the law.
Jesus: Someone to steal his Sunday hat – we don’t want him to be bad to Lafayette… EVER!
Tommy Mickens: Obedience training (you know, providing he’s alive and all).
Mickens Dad: A week supply of new boxer shorts – those sticky grey jockeys need never be seen again!
Ruby Jean Reynolds: A bedroom in Lafayette’s house so we could see her each and every episode.
Jason Stackhouse: A pocket laser pointer to distract his new family of kitties.
Crystal Norris: A box of catnip and a self cleaning litter box
Nan Flanagan: A Gluteus Maximus Stick Removal operation.
Vampire Pam: New pair of fabulous Betsey Johnson pumps. ‘Cause really, doesn’t she deserve it?
Maxine Fortenberry: Wii Fit Plus – We already know she loves to play the Wii, combine that with exercise and we’ll have a sexy new momma in no time!
Hoyt Fortenberry: Gift certificate to Ikea for the new love pad.
Jessica Hamby: Travel blood pressure kit and/or stethoscope; we don’t want her accidentally killing anymore peoples.
Hank the Truck Driving Dude: His head back with the rest of his body – where the hell did Franklin stash that anyway?
Eric Northman: List of potential blood donors (we’ve already got thousands of names). List to be hand delivered by self sacrificing and ever generous web mistress of ASN!
“Being Nice to Human Chicks for Dummies” handbook… Rule #1. We do not throw chick in dirty basement and chain her up if we want her to like us… EVER!
New bottle of Tabasco Sauce…we’re certain the one on his desk has long expired…
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